Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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