My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
