i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
My ATM looks so different sober.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Randomize
