to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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