peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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