if i can run in heels then i can drive
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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