I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
