Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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