So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
