I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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