That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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