I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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