I just made out with a guy for $7.
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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