I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
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