sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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