Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
how do flat chested girls get laid?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
