I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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