just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I feel like a drive thru vagina
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
