Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
