if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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