we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
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