everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
