I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
