Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
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