im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
