im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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