so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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