Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
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