Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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