i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
