even my farts smell like vagina
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
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