the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
