apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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