So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
