why didn't you poke me back
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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