You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
