i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Randomize
