Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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