I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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