So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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