i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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