Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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