We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
