Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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