i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Randomize
