dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
