I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
