Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
