My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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