Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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