I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
