roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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