Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
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